Friday, July 4, 2008
Let's start anew.
Yes. You read it. Let us start anew. Welcome the new me, one who sees life as a journey full of thorns. Hurt. Horror. Sadness. Sufferings.
Since the second semester started, I had been feeling down. I tried to appear as normal as possible so that I could live my usual life without anyone questioning me why. I ran out of ways to lighten up my mood and the loads of my heart, so I thought "My blog's deserted, no one's been coming there often. Maybe I could express bits of my little thoughts on there and not being discovered by public" since I was too lazy to make a new one. Or to write it out on a diary. So here I am.
(Funny, I couldn't even tell my parents/cousins/basically family about how I was feeling. When they ask, I would just say I was fine.)
I'm tired of everything. Of living, of thinking, of talking, of smiling, etc. As in, really, everything. I wish I could just stay in my bedroom, fantasizing about anything that could happen to me IF I was not the current me. I wish I was a plant. I wish I was someone else. I wish I was living someone else's life. Because it WAS/IS/WILL BE misurable living a life like mine. It WAS/IS/WILL BE uncomfortable being pushed to do something which is not a subject of your interest. It wasn't like I wanted to *ahem* die or end my life or something... I just wanted to live a different life.
I had nothing to begin with. I had been a failure at everything since I was born. I couldn't excel in studies or sports or any medium. It wasn't like I was good at anything. I was just being a retarded little being who messes with people's lives. I wasn't needed anyway. So why was I living? Why was I created? I had no idea. If I just disappeared, nothing would change. I was just ONE of millions of people on Earth. In fact, people's lives might turn out to be better. They could all save the resources. The world would go on without me. No big deal.
That way, both parties would be happier. End of story.
However, I wasn't intending on turning bad. I would continue living a hellish life and wear my mask until I become someone who could truly smile and be genuinely happy. Then, I would be able to trash the mask.
La, la, la, la, la, la.
Weird, now I'm worried about my grammar and tenses. Never mind, I don't really care. In fact I could just be another Jackal right now.
Since the second semester started, I had been feeling down. I tried to appear as normal as possible so that I could live my usual life without anyone questioning me why. I ran out of ways to lighten up my mood and the loads of my heart, so I thought "My blog's deserted, no one's been coming there often. Maybe I could express bits of my little thoughts on there and not being discovered by public" since I was too lazy to make a new one. Or to write it out on a diary. So here I am.
(Funny, I couldn't even tell my parents/cousins/basically family about how I was feeling. When they ask, I would just say I was fine.)
I'm tired of everything. Of living, of thinking, of talking, of smiling, etc. As in, really, everything. I wish I could just stay in my bedroom, fantasizing about anything that could happen to me IF I was not the current me. I wish I was a plant. I wish I was someone else. I wish I was living someone else's life. Because it WAS/IS/WILL BE misurable living a life like mine. It WAS/IS/WILL BE uncomfortable being pushed to do something which is not a subject of your interest. It wasn't like I wanted to *ahem* die or end my life or something... I just wanted to live a different life.
I had nothing to begin with. I had been a failure at everything since I was born. I couldn't excel in studies or sports or any medium. It wasn't like I was good at anything. I was just being a retarded little being who messes with people's lives. I wasn't needed anyway. So why was I living? Why was I created? I had no idea. If I just disappeared, nothing would change. I was just ONE of millions of people on Earth. In fact, people's lives might turn out to be better. They could all save the resources. The world would go on without me. No big deal.
That way, both parties would be happier. End of story.
However, I wasn't intending on turning bad. I would continue living a hellish life and wear my mask until I become someone who could truly smile and be genuinely happy. Then, I would be able to trash the mask.
La, la, la, la, la, la.
Weird, now I'm worried about my grammar and tenses. Never mind, I don't really care. In fact I could just be another Jackal right now.
left at 4:07 AM