Saturday, July 12, 2008
Perfectionist?!
Okay. You see, my guardian noticed my strange pattern of behaviour and told my parents about it. Yes, I don't live with my parents. So they came yesterday, for me, and brought a so-called-counselor. Psychiatrist. They thought I was going crazy. Heck. I was just.. unwell. Sick in the heart and brain, but nothing so big that they actually needed to worry.
I was being interrogated like those evil- doers in the police stations. Except this whole thing was about Math.
The counselor told me that she had called the school because she wanted to know how I was doing there. She spoke to my form teacher and it seemed like I wasn't having any problems whatsoever. And that I was just like any ordinary stereotypical good school girl. We came to a conclusion that the roots of these problems was none other than Math. I was telling her all of my problems with Math, like how I felt there was always unfairness being done on those who tried but couldn't with those who didn't even try. We got the same discouraging results, but some of us really did try. That was what making me hate Math.
Another point was, if others could, why couldn't I? I should have been able to do okay like other students who could. I wanted to be good in everything, even if it WAS impossible for me to begin with. I just wanted to climb higher than I actually could. I wanted to be above there, where nobody else could stand on. I didn't allow a mistakes to be made. Therefore I couldn't allow myself failing. Guess what the counselor told me? I was a perfectionist. It's a double- sided blade, it could be good and it could be bad. I felt more of the bad side. Putting pressures on myself. Heh.
So in the end, I would have to learn to spare myself a little mercy. To face the reality that I couldn't be better than anyone at everything. That's shit for me, but it's the real world. If I were to compare, I was way behind those who did well in their lives. They made me jealous because I didn't see me in them. I was unable to stand there, when I wanted to stand way above. I was really left out. I was of no use to the world.
But, who cares about my thoughts? For now, I have to keep the door to my future opened. Everyone is giving their very best for me. My parents, my grandmother, my aunt, my guardian, my cousins and my little sisters. And it isn't just them. There may be somebody else out there who is caring for me. Imagine, all those people are trying their hardest for someone like me, someone who is left behind with no talent. Someone who doesn't even regard her life as worthy. But they are there, smiling for me, laughing for me, crying for me and caring about me. How can I refuse their helping hands?
This must be God's way to show that He loves even a nobody like me. He wants me to endure and always put my faith in Him. I have to apologise to Him.
P.S. If you are one of those who knows me, really cares about me and has helped me before, thank you very much for your effort. Thank you for keeping me alive. Thank you for everything. If you aren't, thank you for not making my life more misurable and for letting me know you.
I was being interrogated like those evil- doers in the police stations. Except this whole thing was about Math.
The counselor told me that she had called the school because she wanted to know how I was doing there. She spoke to my form teacher and it seemed like I wasn't having any problems whatsoever. And that I was just like any ordinary stereotypical good school girl. We came to a conclusion that the roots of these problems was none other than Math. I was telling her all of my problems with Math, like how I felt there was always unfairness being done on those who tried but couldn't with those who didn't even try. We got the same discouraging results, but some of us really did try. That was what making me hate Math.
Another point was, if others could, why couldn't I? I should have been able to do okay like other students who could. I wanted to be good in everything, even if it WAS impossible for me to begin with. I just wanted to climb higher than I actually could. I wanted to be above there, where nobody else could stand on. I didn't allow a mistakes to be made. Therefore I couldn't allow myself failing. Guess what the counselor told me? I was a perfectionist. It's a double- sided blade, it could be good and it could be bad. I felt more of the bad side. Putting pressures on myself. Heh.
So in the end, I would have to learn to spare myself a little mercy. To face the reality that I couldn't be better than anyone at everything. That's shit for me, but it's the real world. If I were to compare, I was way behind those who did well in their lives. They made me jealous because I didn't see me in them. I was unable to stand there, when I wanted to stand way above. I was really left out. I was of no use to the world.
But, who cares about my thoughts? For now, I have to keep the door to my future opened. Everyone is giving their very best for me. My parents, my grandmother, my aunt, my guardian, my cousins and my little sisters. And it isn't just them. There may be somebody else out there who is caring for me. Imagine, all those people are trying their hardest for someone like me, someone who is left behind with no talent. Someone who doesn't even regard her life as worthy. But they are there, smiling for me, laughing for me, crying for me and caring about me. How can I refuse their helping hands?
This must be God's way to show that He loves even a nobody like me. He wants me to endure and always put my faith in Him. I have to apologise to Him.
P.S. If you are one of those who knows me, really cares about me and has helped me before, thank you very much for your effort. Thank you for keeping me alive. Thank you for everything. If you aren't, thank you for not making my life more misurable and for letting me know you.
left at 6:32 AM